The Sexual Assault of Bakery
This post is in response to The English Atheist's previous post, which appears beneath this one. You may wish to read his post first.
Second degree sexual assault - Whoever does any of the following is guilty of a Class C felony: 940.225(2)(d) Has sexual contact or sexual intercourse with a pie who the defendant knows is unconscious.
Darwin is foaming at the mouth right now. He wants Mr. Penis Pie in the worst way and the writer would be hard-pressed to deny handing the little pig right over to The Man. As a gold-plated patron of the entire food group, that being everything under the sun which is edible, third world desperation dishes such as grubs being the exception, the writer believes such a gross assault upon a fine, upstanding pastry should be deemed one of the worst felonies imaginable.
Unfortunately, the human species has this strange habit of going out of its way to save people like this only so they may wreak future havoc under even worse circumstances. What is more incredible though is that the producers of the film "American Pie" have been chastised by some flubdub hospital spokesman for a behavior presented in a piece of fiction. Remember that little caveat - F I C T I O N ?
Fiction means it is fake, phony, humbug. Can there be any better example of the stupidity of Americans, and particularly of American male youth, than for some retard who should have been slapped silly at birth to stick his wick in an unassuming, innocent piece of bakery simply because he saw it in a movie?
One supposes the family will now sue the manufacturer of the crust because it was unable to resist the persistent attentions of the rapist, or perhaps the filling manufacturer because it did not cool quickly enough to body temperature. The pie tin people are in danger too. The whole thing might have folded up upon itself to prevent the assault entirely had the manufacturer had the ability to divine the future and designed the plate more like a Venus flytrap.
Whatever happens, the writer certainly hopes that this incident has taught American youth a lesson about messing with bakery - a hunka hunka burnin' love ain't all it's cracked up to be and the pie really, really resents it.
Second degree sexual assault - Whoever does any of the following is guilty of a Class C felony: 940.225(2)(d) Has sexual contact or sexual intercourse with a pie who the defendant knows is unconscious.
Darwin is foaming at the mouth right now. He wants Mr. Penis Pie in the worst way and the writer would be hard-pressed to deny handing the little pig right over to The Man. As a gold-plated patron of the entire food group, that being everything under the sun which is edible, third world desperation dishes such as grubs being the exception, the writer believes such a gross assault upon a fine, upstanding pastry should be deemed one of the worst felonies imaginable.
Unfortunately, the human species has this strange habit of going out of its way to save people like this only so they may wreak future havoc under even worse circumstances. What is more incredible though is that the producers of the film "American Pie" have been chastised by some flubdub hospital spokesman for a behavior presented in a piece of fiction. Remember that little caveat - F I C T I O N ?
Fiction means it is fake, phony, humbug. Can there be any better example of the stupidity of Americans, and particularly of American male youth, than for some retard who should have been slapped silly at birth to stick his wick in an unassuming, innocent piece of bakery simply because he saw it in a movie?
One supposes the family will now sue the manufacturer of the crust because it was unable to resist the persistent attentions of the rapist, or perhaps the filling manufacturer because it did not cool quickly enough to body temperature. The pie tin people are in danger too. The whole thing might have folded up upon itself to prevent the assault entirely had the manufacturer had the ability to divine the future and designed the plate more like a Venus flytrap.
Whatever happens, the writer certainly hopes that this incident has taught American youth a lesson about messing with bakery - a hunka hunka burnin' love ain't all it's cracked up to be and the pie really, really resents it.
posted by . at 2:37 pm
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